My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
