im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
