I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
organizing the empties. That sober.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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