Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
