Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
