i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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