I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
