1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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