John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
