I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
