the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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