On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
