I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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