your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
