What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize