Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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