Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
