I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
