I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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