The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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