I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
