I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
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as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
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You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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