If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i think i have two assholes
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
please don't ironically join a cult
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