So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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