if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
