Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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