It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
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how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
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My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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