I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
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Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
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Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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