just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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