i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
