Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
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Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
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Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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