Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
