So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
