my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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