literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
