I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
