Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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