you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
COCAINE IS GR8
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
