I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
