Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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