Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
