I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
