tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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