The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
