Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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