My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
