It's like a parade of train wrecks.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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