So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I think my fart just growled at me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
