i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
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Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
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I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that