3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!