o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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