last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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