Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
