Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
