I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
