i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
