I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
