Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Randomize
